Jump on the Bandwagon. Ban the Account: Idea #0027

Be aware, unlike all of  my other posts, this is not an original idea. I’m jumping on the bandwagon…

In literature, one hundred and forty characters are overwhelming, but in intelligent discourse, they are inadequate or unintelligible. At best one hundred and forty characters can be used to make an incisive valid assertion that lacks nuance, and at worst they fit together to become a nightmare of incoherent hyperboles. Perhaps this explains why the Donald J Trump enjoys Twitter so much, for he, himself, is a walking nightmare of incoherent hyperboles.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the rebirth of roller skating for giant sloths.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the rebirth of roller skating for giant sloths.

Rarely does the DJT blubber one of his characteristic word jumbles without injecting a generic modifier like “tremendous, big, huge, or best,” into the mix. And who can blame him. He does, after all, know “the best” meaningless words, and he knows them big league. It only makes sense that these words are his favorites. If one is into self hype and advertisement, it is critical to make things sound appealing without lying. To do that, it is useful to use words that have no meaning without context, words that appeal not to thought but to emotional conditioning. Slogans, litanies, and trademarks, these realities of the DJT fit Twitter nicely and do well in stirring up mindless reactionary fervor and repetitive chanting. Unfortunately, that is not the job of the president of the United States. In order to understand the true responsibility of the president of the United States it is helpful to consider the role of the nation in the context of the world.

For all of its faults, the United States is still the momentary master of this fragile sphere spinning about Sol. It’s not because we’re the most democratic; we aren’t, not because we’re the most free and equal; we aren’t, nor even because we have a narrow lead in scientific research, but rather because we have a mix of positive attributes in addition to a hefty global presence. Put simply, our nation has it’s fingers in quite a few pots, the fingers of trade, foreign aid, and military might or tyranny depending on your perspective. This means that much of the world depends on us for stability, for protection, and for predictable commerce. Because our nation is entrenched in this vital and delicate symbiosis with the rest of the world, the greatest responsibility of the president of the United States, the POTUS, is diplomacy.

Alas, O lost we are for the incoming POTUS is the antithesis of diplomacy. Every day we’re fed examples of unpalatable rhetoric and unpotable promises. This POTUS picks fights over trivialities and disrespects powerful people without consideration of the consequences. He intentionally creates unnecessary enemies. He fights with the disabled, women, and grieving families. There was no need for a feud with Khans, or the former miss universe, yet he couldn’t let it go. Where did much of this conflict take place, Twitter, and it’s not just private citizens he targets with thoughtless remarks. He surrenders to impulse and tweets about China. He taunts Kim Jong-un. While it is important to show confidence in the face of threats, we do not need to taunt Kim Jong-un and give him added psychological incentive to succeed. The DJT’s unsupervised twitter impulses have now infected the rest of the globe. This is a problem. He’s no longer just the DJT. He’s soon to be POTUS DJT.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents over two centuries of toe sock manufacturing.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents over two centuries of toe sock manufacturing.

When you’re the DJT, nobody cares what you tweet about. When you’re the POTUS, the head of the modern world’s greatest military industrial complex, every tweet holds the weight of significant international implication. Every harsh word could be viewed as a veiled threat. When people or countries are threatened, they often take actions to protect themselves. The world does not need such a destabilizing influence. Furthermore, his attack tweets incite mobs of violent trolls to flood the target of his attack with hate speech and death threats. The incoming POTUS would be wise to restrain himself. Alas his twitter history is one of irresponsibility.

His pattern of behavior demonstrates that he can not be trusted to resist his impulses. He’s nothing more than a toddler in this regard. He can not be allowed to continue. We must demand that his twitter account be banned or placed in the custody of his slightly more responsible staff. This is not a case of free speech for two very obvious reasons. First because his twitter behavior incites death threats and harassment on a large scale, it is equivalent to yelling fire in a crowded theater. Second, Twitter is a business and can, with cause, reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. There is ample cause. If Twitter was a restaurant, DJT would be the customer insulting the wait staff and other patrons, sneezing on the salad bar, and throwing food. It’s time we ban the DJT from twitter. It’s time we take this toddler’s favorite toy away.

Who will implement this? Whomever we can find with the power. As of now, I am asking all twitter users to report the account @realDonaldTrump for violations that include abuse, harassment, and reckless endangerment of life. Alternatively Sign the petition found here http://www.thepetitionsite.com/175/134/527/

I was going to create my own, but unsurprisingly, someone beat me to it. Please sign the petition or report the account. Remember he’s not just harassing individuals, he’s threatening the security of United States and the world as a whole.

It’s time we take the bottle from this baby. Let’s mute his temper tantrums.  It’s time we citizens of the world take action and begin a petition to ban the DJT from twitter. POTUS unpalatable unpotable. It’s time we take this toddler’s favorite toy away.

Please note: it was never my intent to post anything but the seemingly preposterous on this site. I apologize for deviating from that format. This just needed to be said even if sites that are vastly more well known have already suggested it. I probably won’t dirty this site with well reasoned thought again.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the end of pancakes.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the end of pancakes.

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We Need to Say No to Chemicals: Idea #0026

For far too long, we’ve been putting up with poison. It seems that every piece of meat, fruit or vegetable, every lotion, shampoo, and toothpaste, every toy, every vehicle and every piece of clothing these days is composed of some kind of nasty chemical. Studies show chemicals kill! It’s time we eliminate them once and for all.

Their insidious influence is inside us. They put thoughts in our heads and make our muscles twitch and squirm. Within our circulatory systems, within our very blood we’re saturated with chemicals. It’s sickening. Maybe it’s not that bad some might say to themselves. Sure there are a few unethical cutthroat corporations and government institutions that sell or manufacture things with chemicals, but that can’t be true for all of them.

Unfortunately it is true. Soon many citizens of earth will come to the alarming realization that every product ever manufactured, was and is made out of chemicals! If there was anywhere to run, now would be the time to flee for your life! Alas, there is nowhere to run, so keep sitting still.

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This image represents the last warning Elmo Monster ever got.

How bad can chemicals be, many might ask. It’s fairly straightforward. Whenever anyone feels angry, sad, lustful, greedy, or terrified, they’ve felt that way because of chemicals. In fact, it would be impossible for anyone to feel that way without chemicals. Behind every malignant tumor pulsing and strangling with unregulated growth, there are chemicals. In the core of those nasty herpes sores lay none other but the evil chemicals. When they clear up, they don’t go away but hide, slumbering in the nougaty nucleolus center. Every sneeze, sniffle, hiccup, ooze or gassy expulsion in any human being is a result of chemicals.

Every wrinkle, every rigid joint, every ache and pain of aging or growing has been brought on by chemicals. Any idea anybody has ever had, any action ever taken is caused by evil, evil chemicals.

They come out of our faucets. They fill the air. They even slumber on and in the ground we walk upon. They enter homes through the tiniest of spaces. The slide up are noses into the nasopharynx. They fill our lungs, branching into every bronchus all the way down into the bronchioles. Flee for your lives!

It’s time that we Americans set an example for the rest of the world and call for a moratorium on matter made of chemicals.

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This image represents fruit by the foot wrapped around a chili dog.

I’ve been gone for too long. It’s time to resurrect this blog. Now more than ever, the world is in great danger.

The Solution to Abortion: Idea #0025

Artsy Photo:Click for full size. This image represents the new bubble gum of that dog's boy, Elroy.

Artsy Photo:Click for full size. This image represents the new bubble gum of that dog’s boy, Elroy.

Citizens of America, citizens of the world, citizens of Cygnus Alta Five, a great galactic injustice is going unpunished. That’s right, it’s the murder of precious, precious unborn babies, the least guilty of the human population. They haven’t even sinned yet, much less broken the law. Yes it’s true we’re all born with that nebulous original sin, but these babies are unborn and thus free of original sin. That’s right, they cannot yet be condemned for the sins of their ancestors. Abortion is a dreadful and complex situation. We’ve made some progress to solving the issue with intelligent questions, well a question at least that frames the debate in a thoughtful manner.

When does life begin? It’s a very meaningful question regardless of the fact that almost anyone over the age of four could answer it. Once that question is answered it puts abortion in context of significant legal precedents. As we all know, it’s illegal to kill things that are alive. Remember all those people jailed for killing bacteria and mosquitoes, not to mention all the incarcerated farmers, and deer hunters. As matter of fact we’ve jailed everyone who’s ever eaten anything. Wait….what we haven’t? Why are we asking that question then? Maybe there’s a better one.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represent dangerous new pants.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents dangerous new pants.

There’s a whole bunch of bumper stickers that tell us when the heartbeat begins. It starts in a handful of weeks after conception. Perhaps the destruction of a working heart is amoral. Remember when all those beef farmers were jailed for killing cows with heartbeats….oh wait. Ok new question.

We know that, with a few exceptions like war and stand your ground laws, it’s illegal to kill humans. What makes it human, or when does humanity begin? Is it a full set of human chromosomes? Maybe, but does that mean if I prick my finger and the leukocytes that escape through my wound die, I am guilty of murder? I suppose we could look to the brain, the seat of thought and everything that makes humans special beside the energy efficient bipedal posture. That sounds complicated though. We’d have to put thought into the debates. I don’t have time to sit through that. Don’t worry though. I have a happy solution for everyone that will avoid the messy discussions of the complex issue.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a King's quest tap dance.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a King’s quest tap dance.

We’re just not interfering with personal choice enough. If we try to dictate reproductive choice after conception, it’s far too late. Instead the government needs to get involved before that slick, warm, wet, gooey event of joy transpires. Shortly before the onset of puberty, we must mandate birth control and vasectomies for all. We could even accomplish the goals with nothing more than mandatory vasectomies/spermicidal injections into the vas deferens. Now that the process is becoming easily reversible, its a humane and rational solution that is likely to make many boys and men smile once they get over their initial and irrational fear of the needles or scissors. Teenage pregnancies will plummet. Also if the policy is enforced only on men, women will be free of the burden of the disruptive endocrine effects inherent in many birth control methods, as well as unwarranted accusations on general sluttiness. I know it’s awful to think of women engaging in sexual intercourse for any purpose beyond the production of a human baby. It’s just not wholesome if they enjoy it, for shame!

After the vasectomies, when and if the man is finally ready for reproduction, he can fill out procreation form 1-B describing his financial and mental stability, as well as his fitness for child rearing, or if not that, the fitness of the mother in those regards. Once accomplished, after a short wait of 6-8 months, the vasectomy can be reversed in anticipation of reproduction. When all pregnancies are planned, abortion will be a thing of the past. We must protect the babies until were ready to neglect them. They’re innocent until they’re born. After that, when they’ve outgrown their cuteness stages, who the hell cares what happens to them?

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents scissors for sally.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents scissors for sally.

A New Era of American Imperialism: Idea #0024

Artsy Photo: This Image represents the nuances of caterpillar diplomacy.

Artsy Photo: This Image represents the nuances of caterpillar diplomacy.

Have you felt it? Has it gnawed at you from the inside? Do you feel the horrible roiling unrest deep in the heart of the true America. Does that ominous arrhythmia in the heartland keep you up at night quivering in mortal terror?

The threat, the poison, the volatile explosives, the infection, the insidious, mind altering coercion approaches from every front. It’s unstoppable. It’s inevitable. It’s everywhere. It’s immigration.

Fear not! There is a solution, a soothing all purpose cleanse that is guaranteed to dissolve this threat. Together as Americans we can wash away all the concerns and protect our language and wholesome, morally superior values. The United States is the most important country in the world and thus US immigration is a world problem. It’s always a topic of heated debate amongst our politicians, but they all merely dance around the issue. It’s a political show to keep their pockets lined with stacks of paper. The real solution requires no complicated laws. It’s very simple. The United States can solve this issue by starting at the edges. We can begin with the edge everyone fears most, the Mexican border.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the unassailable divinity of the blender pope, pope of blenders.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the unassailable divinity of the blender pope, pope of blenders.

Crossing that invisible line that separates Americans, from cheap harlots, recreational and prescription pharmaceuticals, exploitable agricultural labor, and contaminated water is the first step to solving all our immigration woes once and for all. Before we do, we must prepare. All journeys require proper packing and motivation. We must be reminded that we are in danger.

It’s time that the media address a serious threat to American interests, El Escorpion Angel, the new drug lord of Mexico. This new mastermind is unlike any evil encountered ever before. El Chapo was El Chumpo. The Scorpion Angel waits in stealth and stands poised to inject overpowering illicit serenity into the masses with her army of trained, drug trafficking carrier vultures, an insidious vulture/pigeon hybrid of evil. Scorpion, the sly sweetheart, slinks into the soul and coerces wholesome American citizens into a narcotic nuptial. Even now the Scorpion Angel’s influence infects Mexican politics. No narco has ever been as nefariously crafty as she in their manipulations. With a seditious succubi militia she controls over two thirds of the political population with the seduction of untraceable bribery. Monetary compensation for political favors is vulnerable to investigation, but perpetually housing your political puppets in randomized red light domiciles where their every whim is tended to while their pockets remain empty of unearned funds allows political opposition to die with a soft, appreciative whimper. The Scorpion Angel has the balls of Mexican government under her thumb. With the slightest touch, she can coax out a hot eruption of executive or legislative action at will and now she has her sights set on stripping American representatives of their unquestionable virtue. There’s no telling what ravages she might have in store for them once they’re exposed. Rumor has it she plans to start small with city council members nearest the border, before working her way up to swallow the larger members of state and country.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents cheesecake served at 8000 degrees kelvin.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents cheesecake served at 8000 degrees kelvin.

It’s time that we hold the media accountable and demand they report on this threat that our leaders have been hiding from us. Air a special on Dateline and Sixty minutes. Create a ten part series on Fox news. The people must know about this violent drug lord and her link to Afghani terrorists. Only when airwaves are saturated with reports on these imminent threats to our wholesome chastity and unwavering puritanical values of self restraint and personal responsibility can we build enough support to take the actions necessary to protect our borders and ourselves.

After the foundation of proper fearful concern has been cemented into the synapses of the Joe Sixpack’s of the United States, we must issue the following ultimatum to El presidente Enrique Pena Nieto: Surrender The Scorpion Angel to us before the end of the month or face severe sanctions or possibly swift military action. The Mexican government will of course fervently deny the existence of the Scorpion Angel, but the greater the passion of their denials, the greater is their self incrimination. Likely they’ll never give her up for they are so dissolved by her seductive influence that lawful actions are immiscible in the potently corrupt body politic.

If and when Mexico fails to submit to the conditions of the generous ultimatum, the US must move in with ground forces to protect its honest, peaceful citizens who are entirely naive to the horrors of drugs. We must not let anything threaten the eden of cheap fast food, bulk convenience stores, and quality entertainment in the form of reality shows and formulaic cop dramas. What dystopia lies in wait for the world if Mexican corruption led to the loss of any of the four CSI series, the most imaginative form of fiction ever conceived?

            Fret not, for soon, when this vital plan is set into motion, we can absorb that dangerous border into the union, and slowly, over a period of decades, infuse them with our religion, our protestant ethic, and the spirit of unrestrained capitalism inspired by the Ferengi rules of acquisition. What about immigration outside Mexico you may wonder. No worry, once Mexico has been fully absorbed we can focus on the other threats of South America and Canada. Finally with the continent secured we can focus our eyes on Africa, gateway to the middle east and the threat of ISIS. The media groundwork has already been created. The invasion could proceed without delay. Of course this grab for power will make other countries paranoid so we will have no choice but to preemptively strike before they do. It doesn’t matter if they’re rolling with three dice and we’re rolling with two. If we have done our jobs on the American continent and given our military forces proper time to swell, no opposition will be sufficient. Once all borders have been absorbed within American borders, immigration will become impossible.

Artsy photo: Click for full size. This image represents a finger paint masterpiece.

Artsy photo: Click for full size. This image represents a finger paint masterpiece.

Panic, the Solution to All Those Ominous Signs of the Apocalypse: Idea #0023

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the blue cornfield growing inside the neck of Thomas O'reilly's jazz guitar.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the blue cornfield growing inside the neck of Thomas O’reilly’s jazz guitar.

Beware that little girl who coughed two feet from your position on the plane. She might have ebola. It’s spread to America, the shining invincible beacon of global liberty, birthplace of God and morality. If ebola can come to this land and infect a handful of innocent, selfless American citizens, all is lost and no one is safe. Ebola has just messed with Texas. The fourth seal has been opened. Abandon all hope. Embrace fear.

            The white horse and its rider have kicked their way out of the barn and wreak havoc along the country side. In west Africa, the locusts rule the country now. Go there and be eaten by the cousins of cockroaches. Don’t think about eating them. That’s just silly and pointless. Know the grasshopper, and know that you are doomed. No man can survive the orthopteran scourge. They are so large and horribly mighty!

The horse whinnies in Australia and the rodents caper in the moonlight guttling granaries and grannies alike. Eat all your food now while you still have the chance, and lock your elderly away! After they drive the Australians to extinction, just like the rabbits did, the mice will come for us. Damn you Mickey! Damn you to hell!

In the US, the white mare stamps its hoof and the men of the southwest are mauled by killer bees while the northerners narrowly escape the west nile. Killed by the needled abdomen of that airborne African bee menace, fourteen red blooded southwestern Americans lie rotting beneath the ground. Hark, Hymenoptera approaches! Let the contents of your bowels spill when you hear the telltale frantic music that signifies their pursuit for there is no escape. Be afraid. Northerners weep. For the West Nile is here to take your children. It’s slowly becoming nearly as deadly as deer related automobile accidents. All is lost as dipterans dig a deeper dip in the populace.

Arsty Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the grim reaper's favorite doll fuzzy snookums.

Arsty Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the grim reaper’s favorite doll fuzzy snookums.

 

The fiery red sorrel of sin has cast his shadow upon the earth and humans have taken up the relatively new habit of slaughtering one another. In the east, ISIS inches along spreading bloodletting and religious fervor all about. Russia annexes at will, and China postures and bullies. In the west, the United States growls at unrestrained Mexican drug cartels and still has its fingers in the goo of Columbian unrest in addition to multiple mid-east conflicts. Meanwhile, Peru holds its breath waiting to see if the Shining Path is just laying low before striking another blow in the good name of cocaine and communism.

Humans, why, oh why, did you suddenly begin killing one another? In this enlightened age, the striking, and all together unexpected development of fatal conflicts in the world unequivocally demonstrate that the fiery horseman swings his sword and people cry out in discord uncharacteristic of the human race. Woe rains down from the sky. Please weep for us.

 

Off in the distance, echoing amongst the planet’s hills and valleys, the haunted whinny of the black stallion rides a hot draught like ash in an endless drought. Dwindle flesh dwindle. Grow tight against the skeleton and deepen in the eye sockets. In Burundi hollow men and women waft in the breeze and fall in weakness. Eritreans remain empty. The fiery horseman teamed up with the black stallion and swung a blazing scythe through all their crops. In Comoros they crumple in fatigue. Food scarcity marches on. It spreads, Ethopia, Zambia, Madagascar, Yemen, it spreads. It’s troubling even when not all are hungry. Some in North America are not starving and perhaps they never will be unless a worldwide recession occurs, but what are the chances of that happening? Still the potential bodes not well when the pale mare marches freely.

 

Ebola, evil, unstoppable, insidious, a true and credible threat burns across the country. Three entire people in the United States have had confirmed infections. We humans barely escaped swine flu. The pig virus victims reached neared 33% of regular flu victims. With three of our three hundred million Americans oozing ebola viral fluids, it’s only a matter of time before that virus becomes the flame on a parched grassland. In these dire times only one solution is clear.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents cotton underpants worn in an inappropriate place.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents cotton underpants worn in an inappropriate place.

 

It’s time for unbridled panic. Trust not that friendly neighborhood squirrel. Likely, it is merely a foot soldier in a marching mammalian army full of rodents, raccoons, and perhaps even your cuddly canine. Is spaying and neutering really enough to protect you? It’s time take a more active role. Incinerate your pets and any non human mammal before they kill us all with their diseases, huge, sharp, pointy teeth and resource consumption. Cuteness is a weapon. Do not let it fell our noble species. Find the holy hand grenade before we’re all eternally silenced.

In your homes and businesses, lock all your doors and seal things up air tight! Don’t trust strangers, friends, relatives or employees. Hermetically sealed housing and robot slaves are our only salvation. Humans are bloodthirsty brutes who know only how to swing the sword.

Before it goes bad, ingest all your food while you still can. Do not delay and don’t let vomit daunt you. Starvation is a horrible way to die and only unrestrained gluttony can sate the howls of the ravenous hound. Everyone will feel better when their esophagi become swollen and raw and their stomachs burst.

Finally, if you encounter that coughing child on the plane, don’t consider the possibility that she may have contracted one of the many illnesses common to children. Don’t worry about saving yourself. You can’t. The safest thing to do is to run screaming into the cockpit, grab the wheel and plunge the plane into an immediate nose dive whether you’re above land or sea, destroying the virus with fire or salt water. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, we live in dark times. The only remaining sane actions include running around screaming while waving our arms with wild abandon, sacrificing one another to our God in whom we trust, and cracking open each other’s skulls to feast upon the rubbery gray and white matter within. Fear not. Be at peace. It will all be over soon.

Have another drink: Idea #0022

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the new and improved tower of London.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the new and improved tower of London.

We live in the United States and are not starving or dying of thirst and have a reasonably comfortable standard of living. Sure there are some who are unemployed, homeless, or chronically incarcerated, but that’s not us. Let’s have a drink to celebrate!

Dang, what’s happening overseas? Why are we shooting bullets at those people? What did they do to us? The TV says they’re bad guys. Well that’s life…err death. Um, pour us another drink.

Gee, the cost of transportation to our place of employment sure has gone up fast as well as the transport of goods. There’s not much left over to spend on things that bring us enjoyment. Oh well, let’s get another round. No, not the patron, send Jose our way.

Artsy Photo: click for full size. This image represents a root beer float gone awry.

Artsy Photo: click for full size. This image represents a root beer float gone awry.

Ah crap! It’s hard to pay for a car, a house, medicine, and recreation now. Let’s have a staycation. We can’t complain. That’d just be a little white whine. Ooh that sounds delicioush right about now!

Man, those medical bills got ssteep this year. Well we can just shplit the difference on the card. What could possibly go wrong. Things can only get better from here on out. Let’s have a toast to a shunny tomorrow!

Oh sit! What’s happenin to theesh banks? How can banks be outta money?! Dis is scary. Wait are we still fighting people on the other shide of the world? What do you mean people are fighting on this side of the world too? Gangsh? What are gangsh?

Delincunt mortage account? What dat? Shcrew it. Bring snaps and a glash.

Can you shpare change? Need to getsh bush ticket. No monies? You’re a bank man. What happent to money Preshident gave you?! We needsh it! Ooh! A half empty four D ounze! That’ll quell rage.

Outta booze?! No! Why? Why? Why? Why! Why! Why! What are we gonna do now?  Oh god, what are we gonna do now?

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a new look for Copper Thomas and his reggae flute band.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a new look for Copper Thomas and his reggae flute band.

Let’s resurrect smallpox: Idea # 0020

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a new direction for Julius Irving in his quest for turnip powder.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a new direction for Julius Irving in his quest for turnip powder.

We need to fight against the tyranny of vaccines. I’ve heard unsubstantiated claims that vaccinations are dangerous and could cause autism. Though there is no scientific evidence or even a statistical correlation to justify these claims, we should proceed as if they’re true and overreact accordingly. It’s time to fight for a worldwide moratorium on vaccinations. Needles are needless! Just say no!

Yes, vaccines prevent incurable and deadly diseases. Yes, vaccines save millions. They’ve existed as an effective medical technology for centuries. Still we must stop them! There’s a fraction of a percentage probability that someone might have a severe allergic reaction! That reason alone is enough to justify destroying all vaccines, and since it is the only substantiated potentially disastrous complication, it will have to be that reason alone. It’s time to dump all those needles and syringes in the ocean with the rest of the trash. It’s far too great a risk to save millions of lives and prevent global epidemics. Never mind that all lapses in vaccination within a population lead to an unavoidable increase in disease incidence. Ignore that logical intersection. Let nature take its course. As long as we artificially induce permanent resistance to a virus, we’ll never develop it naturally. Once the tyranny of big government run vaccination programs are abolished, human beings can get back to dying off from rabies and smallpox until only the strongest remain.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a serendipitous discovery of a toenail clipping.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the serendipitous discovery of a toenail clipping.

Morgan Freeman needs to narrate us out of this mess: Idea #0019

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents gum flavor #317 B

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents gum flavor #317 B

Our planet’s soul needs a smooth, somber, soothsayer to speak the hard solutions to our most dire impending disasters, softening the unpalatable blow for the masses.

It needs someone to narrate the humans into actions that extend beyond shouts and finger pointing. Morgan Freeman’s mouth could pontificate upon the behavior of the planet’s asses. Yet that narrative frees no one. That oration is unproductive.

Instead Freeman should free us of our ignoble apathy, our inaction against injustice, our terrible self inflicted curse of worldwide enfeeblement and decay. Many have mentioned that Morgan’s voice is markedly powerful, and as many have suspected, it is true that when Morgan Freeman is involved in a documentary, he narrates it first and then mother nature makes it happen (www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch5MEJk5ZCQ&feature=kp).

Therefore we must plead for the unwavering, deep as ocean water baritone of Morgan Freeman, and a few talented writers to prepare a script of world saving actions to be read aloud injecting the world with wisdom laden words that describe a series of mitigating steps against its woes. Perhaps a smooth molasses, contrabass saxophone jazz Freeman narrative can catch the runaway shipwreck of human society and slow it with gradual friction. Then, once the long, rolling sound waves of his voice have gently tugged the doomed societal sails and slipped them into the sedentary still of waters becalmed, the monologue of Morgan can safely nudge humanity’s fragile vessel and maneuver it into tamer currents within the cause event waters of space time’s progression with a few softly spoken directives. We need a flawless narrative, something similar but far superior to the following:

Light encroaches the horizon. African dawn three million years ago, enter the hominids. Timid, defenseless creatures barely scraping by, slendered by near starvation, the australopithecines, in their vulnerability were dependent upon one another. Gradually that dependency engendered both connection and community, but also paranoia and suspicion, all of which persisted through the ages. As humans sprouted from the nurturing soil of hominid evolution, the seemingly minute drawbacks of the latter qualities were magnified into increasingly disastrous proportions. As they were crammed closer together by the shackles of reproduction’s fruits, hominid dread of difference spurred increasingly frequent unspeakable acts. Neighbor on neighbor annihilation escalated in cruelty and volume. Self destruction simmered in the twentieth century steam and stink, and upon the hazy morn of the twenty first, it was brought to a boil by the flaming belch of steel arrows. The splattering overboil seared and blistered all remnants of global sanity. So ensued the dance of swine. Oinking and squealing, naked and pink, bulbous and flabby, the Sus scrofa sapiens sashayed upon the high towers raining down fetid sweat and excrement onto the floor of the globe where all life slept. They guttled the riches nestled within earth’s sweet crevices leaving only crumbs to fall through the gravity filter, all whilst their porcine siren shriek pierced those beneath with needling fear. “Don’t look up,” they snorted and snuffled, “the danger is beside you, not above.”

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the National association of fingerpaint injury victims.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the National association of fingerpaint injury victims.

“You’re sad because you lack the right gadget to organize your life. You need the shiny new gleam of widget number five. It plans your dinner, counts your steps and heartbeats, documents your desires and heartaches, and tracks your location. What’s that you say? You can’t afford it? That’s all right. We know just what’s wrong. It’s those others who stepped across the invisible line to stand next to you. They’re to blame. They take what’s rightfully yours. They hate your freedoms. They hate your values. They make war on your beliefs and mock your god. Because they won’t stop fighting you, the cost of your life goes up and the quality goes down. Let us help you fight them. Meanwhile swallow this pill and linger not on your woes. You’re too ugly; let us help you hide it. You’re too fat; let us help you burn it. You’re full of self loathing; look at these stumbling boobs on TV and feel better. Are you hungry? Look at this savory slab of sirloin dripping with juices, smothered and covered in cream. The sizzling treat is salubrious. We promise. Look right, look left, look down, look forward, look back, but don’t look up. You have no time. The others around you want to harm your children.” So sung the human swine as they stuffed their faces atop the high tower and danced their vile steps on clicking cloven hooves.

Then, slow and sudden as sunrise, several learned humans stretched their necks skyward and saw the filth falling from the high tower and knew that they had naught to blame but themselves. “Lo the high tower that we all constructed,” they cried! “Lo the stench laden behemoths we willingly support! Hearken for they feed us falsehoods from their grunting snouts to feast upon our insecurities! Hearken, there is fear in their squeals and our awareness brings shudders to their fat, dangling flesh! They subjugate us with fear because they are just as afraid!” Thus cried the learned.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the home of a new kind of bark.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the home of a new kind of bark.

Finally the people, ruminating in the dreary muck that they and the high tower pigs created, decided that it made no difference how many deities reigned above. They realized that those disputes were disguises. Yes, there were blood feuds between families that spanned generations and centuries. Yes, true injustice had visited, and modern injustice was indiscriminately dispensed on high from coin operated robot turnstiles, and whining drones preceded undeserved doom. Difficult as it was, the humans set these facts aside in a gesture of reconciliation. It was time to discuss the real problem, the distribution of resources. Water, cool and clear, unsullied by pig feces, was precious, a soothing salve for all. No skin pigmentation, no minor variation in eyelid folds, cheek bones, or hair texture could change this equalizer. Fixating on such was how the foolish justified selfishness. Fresh water was loved by all. So the humans toppled the swine in their towers, freed water from the bindings of plastic tubes and broke the grinding gears that sought to enslave it. People needed food, space, a sense of value, a bit of love, and from time to time minor excess. These humble needs became harder to secure with each birth, but the humans overcame these hardships. They realized that they had surrendered an extreme excess of these needs to the swine in the high towers. They had surrendered so much that no hog, no matter how filthy and ravenous, could consume it all in ten lifetimes. They raped the pigs’ coffers and slaughtered the swine in a cleansing bloodbath. Then after they realized that resources were too precious to be hoarded, and that saving for their children could only extend so far, they planned. They experimented. They learned. For they knew now that with each new birth there was less to go around. Resource paint can only be spread so thin. If it was all placed on top of towers for a few, the foundation would crumble, and all would tumble and die.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a carton of lollipops upended over Niagara Falls

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a carton of lollipops upended over Niagara Falls

Slumber sweet planet. The dark approaches, but light is always just a turn away.

The solution to gangs: Idea #0018

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents Tycho Brahe's smudged handkerchief  on which he recorded his observations on the supernova of the crab nebula.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents Tycho Brahe’s smudged handkerchief on which he recorded his observations on the supernova of the crab nebula.

The world is rife with violent gangs. The bloods and the crips, the christians and muslims, chocolate and vanilla, the count chocula’s and the boo berries, the kook cluck clan, the masons and the skulls, kappa beta gamma and delta delta delta, the bloodhound gang and the insane clown posse, the catholics and the protestants, the americans and the russians and every other flavor of the week is bent on violence against themselves and each other. There are far too many gangs for the safety of the world. Because they perpetually murder their rivals, they descend into a hate spiral and nurture grudge upon grudge. There is only one way for them to end the hate, only one way to end the pain. It’s time for a final all gang free for all. The last person living will have the satisfaction of knowing that they will no longer be harried by rival groups. As the pinnacle of reality drama, this must be a world wide television event. Remember, those other people called your mama fat, mentioned you were a yellow bellied turd and killed your brother. Gather all your weapons and meet them at 4:00 at the flagpole! Only violence can end violence, let the bullets, nukes and molotov cocktails fly until at last we have the soothing, restful silence of peace. Hurry up! Are you really going take that from them?

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the first breakfast.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the first breakfast.