Personal Salvation and Rebel Fashion: Idea # 003

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. Unrelated to the post. This image represents rubber custard.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. Unrelated to the post. This image represents rubber custard.

I have one or two followers who like fashion. They started following me because of my silly sock patching post, AKA Frankenclothes. In the interests of pandering to my fashion followers, I had another sewing fashion brainstorm. My newest project will change the world on rainy days.

Some people wear glasses, and unfortunately glasses require frequent lens cleaning. Usually when they need them the most, people leave their special microfiber, lens friendly cleaning cloth in their other pants. When rain falls and dries, it leaves distracting and unsightly water spots on glasses, and without a lens cleaning cloth these drops remain as distracting water spots. Now with my special sewing solution, you need not leave home without them. First I tried sewing them to sleeves. That was a bit awkward for cleaning purposes, but the bottom of a button down shirt is a convenient spot for the cloth to rest. This is where I sew them on as sloppily as I can. Also as an added accessory you can sew a button to the inside of the shirt to conveniently tuck it away when it’s not being used. Hooray! So follow my example. Do it now! What’s the matter? Are you afraid it will look tacky? Stop being such a pansy!



Now hold still while I also sew mittens to your sleeves!



Personal salvation and unwanted conversation: Idea #002


Unrelated artsy photo

Each of us periodically encounter conversations or people we don’t like and yet are socially obligated to endure. When this happens don’t panic. As the conversation proceeds, simply turn your head to the side, cup your hands to your mouth like you’re shouting off into the distance, and quietly whisper “Help! Superman! Help!” This action will end your social encounter often with its first implementation. If not, very few repetitions are needed to exterminate unwanted social growths.

Personal salvation and clothing: Idea # 001

Saving the world entails more than simple grandiose plans for trash, elections, and nuclear proliferation. It takes people, and our own personal conflicts and struggles are merely smaller components of the maladies that afflict the planet and its population as a whole. Therefore it is the intent of these personal salvation posts to provide viable solutions to all our trifling problems one at a time. First on the list: clothing deterioration.

We all have our favorite clothes. They’re comfy, fashionable, and are sometimes associated with warm comforting memories. Unfortunately, clothes must weather the ravages of time, the elements, and the occasional spill from fine or sloppy dining. Fret not. For while these inevitable misfortunes can seem like a social or financial setback, they are an opportunity. Like with people, scars give clothes character, and they are an opportunity for artistic expression and clothing growth. Introducing Frankenclothes®!

Related artsy photo

Related artsy photo

With no skill and meager intellect, anyone can rescue their own damaged clothing and create these masterpieces of personal expression and frugality. Sewing is easy. Just thread the needle, tie one end into a knot or slipknot as necessary, and weave it in and out, in and out, and in and out as needed. Thread is like glue for fabric! Sure you can try and sew patches with matching color and even stitching that doesn’t appear to be the work of a mentally handicapped ape, but then it would be harder for people to tell that you did it yourself. Where’s the fun in that? In the artsy photo above, (In retrospect, a red background would have been better.) the frayed cuff of the sweatshirt has been repaired by a crookedly cut and stitched scrap of blue fabric. The tear in the leg of the black pants has been hastily stitched closed  in a seam that speaks of the dexterity of a three fingered prodigy. The sock is a testament to the indispensable functionality of this minor skill and personal salvation practice. The patch covers a hole. As we all know, socks are incredibly susceptible to holes after only a few months, a tragedy that everyone experiences. Well tragedy no more! After all, what were you going to do? Go to the store and buy a new pack of socks for twelve dollars? Pffft, loser.