The Solution to Abortion: Idea #0025

Artsy Photo:Click for full size. This image represents the new bubble gum of that dog's boy, Elroy.

Artsy Photo:Click for full size. This image represents the new bubble gum of that dog’s boy, Elroy.

Citizens of America, citizens of the world, citizens of Cygnus Alta Five, a great galactic injustice is going unpunished. That’s right, it’s the murder of precious, precious unborn babies, the least guilty of the human population. They haven’t even sinned yet, much less broken the law. Yes it’s true we’re all born with that nebulous original sin, but these babies are unborn and thus free of original sin. That’s right, they cannot yet be condemned for the sins of their ancestors. Abortion is a dreadful and complex situation. We’ve made some progress to solving the issue with intelligent questions, well a question at least that frames the debate in a thoughtful manner.

When does life begin? It’s a very meaningful question regardless of the fact that almost anyone over the age of four could answer it. Once that question is answered it puts abortion in context of significant legal precedents. As we all know, it’s illegal to kill things that are alive. Remember all those people jailed for killing bacteria and mosquitoes, not to mention all the incarcerated farmers, and deer hunters. As matter of fact we’ve jailed everyone who’s ever eaten anything. Wait….what we haven’t? Why are we asking that question then? Maybe there’s a better one.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represent dangerous new pants.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents dangerous new pants.

There’s a whole bunch of bumper stickers that tell us when the heartbeat begins. It starts in a handful of weeks after conception. Perhaps the destruction of a working heart is amoral. Remember when all those beef farmers were jailed for killing cows with heartbeats….oh wait. Ok new question.

We know that, with a few exceptions like war and stand your ground laws, it’s illegal to kill humans. What makes it human, or when does humanity begin? Is it a full set of human chromosomes? Maybe, but does that mean if I prick my finger and the leukocytes that escape through my wound die, I am guilty of murder? I suppose we could look to the brain, the seat of thought and everything that makes humans special beside the energy efficient bipedal posture. That sounds complicated though. We’d have to put thought into the debates. I don’t have time to sit through that. Don’t worry though. I have a happy solution for everyone that will avoid the messy discussions of the complex issue.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a King's quest tap dance.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents a King’s quest tap dance.

We’re just not interfering with personal choice enough. If we try to dictate reproductive choice after conception, it’s far too late. Instead the government needs to get involved before that slick, warm, wet, gooey event of joy transpires. Shortly before the onset of puberty, we must mandate birth control and vasectomies for all. We could even accomplish the goals with nothing more than mandatory vasectomies/spermicidal injections into the vas deferens. Now that the process is becoming easily reversible, its a humane and rational solution that is likely to make many boys and men smile once they get over their initial and irrational fear of the needles or scissors. Teenage pregnancies will plummet. Also if the policy is enforced only on men, women will be free of the burden of the disruptive endocrine effects inherent in many birth control methods, as well as unwarranted accusations on general sluttiness. I know it’s awful to think of women engaging in sexual intercourse for any purpose beyond the production of a human baby. It’s just not wholesome if they enjoy it, for shame!

After the vasectomies, when and if the man is finally ready for reproduction, he can fill out procreation form 1-B describing his financial and mental stability, as well as his fitness for child rearing, or if not that, the fitness of the mother in those regards. Once accomplished, after a short wait of 6-8 months, the vasectomy can be reversed in anticipation of reproduction. When all pregnancies are planned, abortion will be a thing of the past. We must protect the babies until were ready to neglect them. They’re innocent until they’re born. After that, when they’ve outgrown their cuteness stages, who the hell cares what happens to them?

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents scissors for sally.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents scissors for sally.

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