Have you felt it? Has it gnawed at you from the inside? Do you feel the horrible roiling unrest deep in the heart of the true America. Does that ominous arrhythmia in the heartland keep you up at night quivering in mortal terror?
The threat, the poison, the volatile explosives, the infection, the insidious, mind altering coercion approaches from every front. It’s unstoppable. It’s inevitable. It’s everywhere. It’s immigration.
Fear not! There is a solution, a soothing all purpose cleanse that is guaranteed to dissolve this threat. Together as Americans we can wash away all the concerns and protect our language and wholesome, morally superior values. The United States is the most important country in the world and thus US immigration is a world problem. It’s always a topic of heated debate amongst our politicians, but they all merely dance around the issue. It’s a political show to keep their pockets lined with stacks of paper. The real solution requires no complicated laws. It’s very simple. The United States can solve this issue by starting at the edges. We can begin with the edge everyone fears most, the Mexican border.
Crossing that invisible line that separates Americans, from cheap harlots, recreational and prescription pharmaceuticals, exploitable agricultural labor, and contaminated water is the first step to solving all our immigration woes once and for all. Before we do, we must prepare. All journeys require proper packing and motivation. We must be reminded that we are in danger.
It’s time that the media address a serious threat to American interests, El Escorpion Angel, the new drug lord of Mexico. This new mastermind is unlike any evil encountered ever before. El Chapo was El Chumpo. The Scorpion Angel waits in stealth and stands poised to inject overpowering illicit serenity into the masses with her army of trained, drug trafficking carrier vultures, an insidious vulture/pigeon hybrid of evil. Scorpion, the sly sweetheart, slinks into the soul and coerces wholesome American citizens into a narcotic nuptial. Even now the Scorpion Angel’s influence infects Mexican politics. No narco has ever been as nefariously crafty as she in their manipulations. With a seditious succubi militia she controls over two thirds of the political population with the seduction of untraceable bribery. Monetary compensation for political favors is vulnerable to investigation, but perpetually housing your political puppets in randomized red light domiciles where their every whim is tended to while their pockets remain empty of unearned funds allows political opposition to die with a soft, appreciative whimper. The Scorpion Angel has the balls of Mexican government under her thumb. With the slightest touch, she can coax out a hot eruption of executive or legislative action at will and now she has her sights set on stripping American representatives of their unquestionable virtue. There’s no telling what ravages she might have in store for them once they’re exposed. Rumor has it she plans to start small with city council members nearest the border, before working her way up to swallow the larger members of state and country.
It’s time that we hold the media accountable and demand they report on this threat that our leaders have been hiding from us. Air a special on Dateline and Sixty minutes. Create a ten part series on Fox news. The people must know about this violent drug lord and her link to Afghani terrorists. Only when airwaves are saturated with reports on these imminent threats to our wholesome chastity and unwavering puritanical values of self restraint and personal responsibility can we build enough support to take the actions necessary to protect our borders and ourselves.
After the foundation of proper fearful concern has been cemented into the synapses of the Joe Sixpack’s of the United States, we must issue the following ultimatum to El presidente Enrique Pena Nieto: Surrender The Scorpion Angel to us before the end of the month or face severe sanctions or possibly swift military action. The Mexican government will of course fervently deny the existence of the Scorpion Angel, but the greater the passion of their denials, the greater is their self incrimination. Likely they’ll never give her up for they are so dissolved by her seductive influence that lawful actions are immiscible in the potently corrupt body politic.
If and when Mexico fails to submit to the conditions of the generous ultimatum, the US must move in with ground forces to protect its honest, peaceful citizens who are entirely naive to the horrors of drugs. We must not let anything threaten the eden of cheap fast food, bulk convenience stores, and quality entertainment in the form of reality shows and formulaic cop dramas. What dystopia lies in wait for the world if Mexican corruption led to the loss of any of the four CSI series, the most imaginative form of fiction ever conceived?
Fret not, for soon, when this vital plan is set into motion, we can absorb that dangerous border into the union, and slowly, over a period of decades, infuse them with our religion, our protestant ethic, and the spirit of unrestrained capitalism inspired by the Ferengi rules of acquisition. What about immigration outside Mexico you may wonder. No worry, once Mexico has been fully absorbed we can focus on the other threats of South America and Canada. Finally with the continent secured we can focus our eyes on Africa, gateway to the middle east and the threat of ISIS. The media groundwork has already been created. The invasion could proceed without delay. Of course this grab for power will make other countries paranoid so we will have no choice but to preemptively strike before they do. It doesn’t matter if they’re rolling with three dice and we’re rolling with two. If we have done our jobs on the American continent and given our military forces proper time to swell, no opposition will be sufficient. Once all borders have been absorbed within American borders, immigration will become impossible.