Panic, the Solution to All Those Ominous Signs of the Apocalypse: Idea #0023

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the blue cornfield growing inside the neck of Thomas O'reilly's jazz guitar.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the blue cornfield growing inside the neck of Thomas O’reilly’s jazz guitar.

Beware that little girl who coughed two feet from your position on the plane. She might have ebola. It’s spread to America, the shining invincible beacon of global liberty, birthplace of God and morality. If ebola can come to this land and infect a handful of innocent, selfless American citizens, all is lost and no one is safe. Ebola has just messed with Texas. The fourth seal has been opened. Abandon all hope. Embrace fear.

            The white horse and its rider have kicked their way out of the barn and wreak havoc along the country side. In west Africa, the locusts rule the country now. Go there and be eaten by the cousins of cockroaches. Don’t think about eating them. That’s just silly and pointless. Know the grasshopper, and know that you are doomed. No man can survive the orthopteran scourge. They are so large and horribly mighty!

The horse whinnies in Australia and the rodents caper in the moonlight guttling granaries and grannies alike. Eat all your food now while you still have the chance, and lock your elderly away! After they drive the Australians to extinction, just like the rabbits did, the mice will come for us. Damn you Mickey! Damn you to hell!

In the US, the white mare stamps its hoof and the men of the southwest are mauled by killer bees while the northerners narrowly escape the west nile. Killed by the needled abdomen of that airborne African bee menace, fourteen red blooded southwestern Americans lie rotting beneath the ground. Hark, Hymenoptera approaches! Let the contents of your bowels spill when you hear the telltale frantic music that signifies their pursuit for there is no escape. Be afraid. Northerners weep. For the West Nile is here to take your children. It’s slowly becoming nearly as deadly as deer related automobile accidents. All is lost as dipterans dig a deeper dip in the populace.

Arsty Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the grim reaper's favorite doll fuzzy snookums.

Arsty Photo: Click for full size. This image represents the grim reaper’s favorite doll fuzzy snookums.


The fiery red sorrel of sin has cast his shadow upon the earth and humans have taken up the relatively new habit of slaughtering one another. In the east, ISIS inches along spreading bloodletting and religious fervor all about. Russia annexes at will, and China postures and bullies. In the west, the United States growls at unrestrained Mexican drug cartels and still has its fingers in the goo of Columbian unrest in addition to multiple mid-east conflicts. Meanwhile, Peru holds its breath waiting to see if the Shining Path is just laying low before striking another blow in the good name of cocaine and communism.

Humans, why, oh why, did you suddenly begin killing one another? In this enlightened age, the striking, and all together unexpected development of fatal conflicts in the world unequivocally demonstrate that the fiery horseman swings his sword and people cry out in discord uncharacteristic of the human race. Woe rains down from the sky. Please weep for us.


Off in the distance, echoing amongst the planet’s hills and valleys, the haunted whinny of the black stallion rides a hot draught like ash in an endless drought. Dwindle flesh dwindle. Grow tight against the skeleton and deepen in the eye sockets. In Burundi hollow men and women waft in the breeze and fall in weakness. Eritreans remain empty. The fiery horseman teamed up with the black stallion and swung a blazing scythe through all their crops. In Comoros they crumple in fatigue. Food scarcity marches on. It spreads, Ethopia, Zambia, Madagascar, Yemen, it spreads. It’s troubling even when not all are hungry. Some in North America are not starving and perhaps they never will be unless a worldwide recession occurs, but what are the chances of that happening? Still the potential bodes not well when the pale mare marches freely.


Ebola, evil, unstoppable, insidious, a true and credible threat burns across the country. Three entire people in the United States have had confirmed infections. We humans barely escaped swine flu. The pig virus victims reached neared 33% of regular flu victims. With three of our three hundred million Americans oozing ebola viral fluids, it’s only a matter of time before that virus becomes the flame on a parched grassland. In these dire times only one solution is clear.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents cotton underpants worn in an inappropriate place.

Artsy Photo: Click for full size. This image represents cotton underpants worn in an inappropriate place.


It’s time for unbridled panic. Trust not that friendly neighborhood squirrel. Likely, it is merely a foot soldier in a marching mammalian army full of rodents, raccoons, and perhaps even your cuddly canine. Is spaying and neutering really enough to protect you? It’s time take a more active role. Incinerate your pets and any non human mammal before they kill us all with their diseases, huge, sharp, pointy teeth and resource consumption. Cuteness is a weapon. Do not let it fell our noble species. Find the holy hand grenade before we’re all eternally silenced.

In your homes and businesses, lock all your doors and seal things up air tight! Don’t trust strangers, friends, relatives or employees. Hermetically sealed housing and robot slaves are our only salvation. Humans are bloodthirsty brutes who know only how to swing the sword.

Before it goes bad, ingest all your food while you still can. Do not delay and don’t let vomit daunt you. Starvation is a horrible way to die and only unrestrained gluttony can sate the howls of the ravenous hound. Everyone will feel better when their esophagi become swollen and raw and their stomachs burst.

Finally, if you encounter that coughing child on the plane, don’t consider the possibility that she may have contracted one of the many illnesses common to children. Don’t worry about saving yourself. You can’t. The safest thing to do is to run screaming into the cockpit, grab the wheel and plunge the plane into an immediate nose dive whether you’re above land or sea, destroying the virus with fire or salt water. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, we live in dark times. The only remaining sane actions include running around screaming while waving our arms with wild abandon, sacrificing one another to our God in whom we trust, and cracking open each other’s skulls to feast upon the rubbery gray and white matter within. Fear not. Be at peace. It will all be over soon.