World, humans, planet, we are under attack. For eons the sun, Sol, has been mercilessly pelting this planet with photons and charged particles. Since this planets formation, the sun’s thermal radiation has not abated. We can no longer afford to ignore this terrorist threat. The ultraviolet must be met with ultraviolence.
Only one hundred and fifty five years ago, Sol launched a massive electromagnetic attack on our innocent little planet, and it floats in the heavens poised to toss protons and electrons in our direction once more. If it chooses to attack in this century, our fancy electronic grids could collapse sending us spiraling into chaos. No more will Stephen Colbert be able to fill our homes with his sensationalist nonsense. We will be without our whizzpoppers, our thing jobbers, and our high powered luminescent water balloon lobbers. The internet will be ready for interment. If you’re not reading this it will be too late. The only entertainment remaining will be the unbelievably, awesome chromatic dance of the aurora. I hope our laws governing anandamide receptor altering substances are updated appropriately, assuming that any semblance of order remains in the world.
Top solar scienticians all agree that Sol has been preparing for another attack, gathering its resources, biding its time while slowly twisting its magnetic forces to send more assaults our way. Once that potential energy is unleashed, there will be no stopping it. The threat level is bright yellowish white. We must act now and launch all our nuclear missiles directly at the sun. Let’s let Sol know that we wont go down without a fight. Terror must be met with terror, and be wary of those who languish lazily in the sunbeam. If you’re not with us, you’re against us.
To arms one and all!