We need more information about Justin Bieber’s status: Idea # 0012

Artsy Photo

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Does anyone know what Justin Bieber is doing right now? I fear that we are all perilously uninformed about his whereabouts, family, candy preferences, legal battles, political opinions, and relationship status. How can any of us face our trials for the day, interact with our family and friends, or maintain vital and productive conversations with our coworkers. If we don’t get more information about him, how are we supposed to relate to or understand the crises that plague the planet today? Without knowledge of his out of this world beats and stellar lyrics like,

 

“Baby, baby, baby oooh
Like baby, baby, baby nooo
Like baby, baby, baby oooh
I thought you’d always be mine (mine)”,

 

how can we possibly prepare for and prevent approaching space disasters? Keeping tabs on that kooky Canadian is our only hope for salvation.

Before taking a sip from the morning’s first cup of coffee, it would be nice to know about Justin’s favorite brew. How can anyone be sure about whether or not it’s a good idea to drink a particular brand of coffee before we know if Justin is ok with it. It might be that our favorite brand of coffee has an additive that was developed using controversial animal testing. Justin might know though. He is in PETA which, for a celebrity, is very unusual. Without the latest gossip about Justin’s newest release or acting gig what kind of conversations could we possibly have with our significant other? It’s hard to describe undying love to a significant other without comparing it to a recent public appearance or paparazzi photo of Justin. Also how can we possibly develop our quarterly profit projection reports without the latest news on Justin’s legal battles and the impact on the economy.

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All media outlets ought to be ashamed of themselves. Time is constantly being squandered by reports on minor strife. We consumers are tired of hearing about Burundi. The reports on their insignificant problems are ceaseless. We get it. They are starving. Civil war and genocide has devastated the country. Will you please stop blathering on about the unrest between Hutu and Tutsi. The fact that they have been murdering each other on the basis of social standings linked to height does not tell us anything useful about human nature. It’s difficult to empathize when Justin may be experiencing romantic turmoil. Also the constant description of the magnetic currents within the sun, coronal mass ejections, and their potential impact on the world’s energy grids seems quite frivolous if Justin’s career is in jeopardy from drunken driving arrests. It’s time the reporters and pundits of the world reevaluate news priorities. Please, report on what matters. Report on Justin and save us from our sick, voyeuristic, hedonism regarding large scale current events that involve nothing more than human rights, global security, and the slow methodical destruction of the planets ecosystem.

We must not forget that Justin matters.

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