Let’s face it. People throw a lot of stuff away. Who can blame us. There’s so much stuff to get, and stuff accumulates. When stuff accumulates, stuff has to be thrown out. It’s a cycle and stuff.
In the morning we rid ourselves of dental floss, q-tips, cotton balls, three tiny batteries and a dulled, disposable razor. We must be clean shaven while we point with our laser. In the kitchen we dump the remains of our coffee grounds and filter, and as our half remembered dreams dwindle into subconscious whispers, we end our relationships with the cardboard box and hot pocket crispers. At lunch there’s the paper bag, a sandwich crust, the plastic knife, and the mushy note written by the wife. Throughout the day we discard data discs, danishes, and post-it-note doodles. We abandon once in a life time offers and half eaten strudels. In the office, we fill wire baskets with crumpled wads from our game of horse and perhaps, later that night, a rubber husk from unexpected intercourse.
We throw away unrealized dreams and shirked responsibilities, a broken harmonica, a frayed baseball glove, postcards of a long forgotten pen pal, and angry letters about overdue parking fees. We throw away our memories. No more need for Malibu beach Barbie, and farewell to the arm of thunderpunch He-Man. Those toys are useless to a power ranger fan. Into the bin, go the glass shards from the valentine portrait widget along with the torn photo and number of that harpy named Brigitte. Away goes the kleenex with the blossom of blood from the finger as well as the old band-aid when the pain doesn’t linger. Oh why are relationships always painful and destined to fail?! Oh hey look, something came in the mail! Why, it’s the new iphone five! Toss the old one. We’ll no longer need it for as long as we’re alive.
It all piles up, the discarded whiskey bottle from the drunken haze during college days, as well the human sandwich sorority pledge mayonnaise. It stinks like the moldy macaroni, doggy doo, toddler vomit, and diapers. It reeks like the motor oil, rubber cement, perfume, and fluid for windshield wipers. There’s no shame too big or too vile, kinky toys, perfectly good corduroys, uneaten banquets, defiled shower mitts, asphyxiated squirrels, new viagra for girls, porn of Harry Potter, the bath water and even sometimes the baby. Never fear everyone, there’s a solution except for the baby thing. That’s an entirely different problem not covered by my solution for trash as babies don’t fall into that category.
The answer is simple. We can just build a new continent. If we gather all human waste and concentrate it in an agreed upon spot in the ocean, we’ll eventually have a brand new continent ripe for colonization. We just need a really big net to hold it all together and then a few hundred million tons of soil and rock to cover it with. There are already some trash islands in the ocean, so we’re off to a really good start. What a great place for your new corporate headquarters. They’ll be plenty of solitude and wide open space for many generations. Also, for an enterprising new business person, there are plenty of resources buried beneath the soil if you know how to separate them out. It’s sure to be a hit vacation spot for affluent cultural history aficionados as every inch will be a time capsule. Let’s start writing up the constitution and national anthem right away!