The president of the United States of America, leader of the free world, commander in chief, the big kahuna is, many believe, a slave to money, a bonded soul, a prisoner of big business who only acts in the interest of filling the pockets of his or her biggest campaign contributors. Before each leaves office, they pass legislation that benefits the companies they have worked for or invested in as well as the investitures of their friends. They hide their dealings in ridiculously long documents of technical legalese each of which takes a large team of lawyers to decipher. Man or women, republican, democrat, independent, dog or cat, it matters not who is elected, they have, along with 435 conspirators, tied lady justice down spread eagle only to gang rape her non-stop with throbbing financial erections for at least the past fifty years. She must have been far too tempting what with that blindfold and all. Meow! Everyone knows it’s happening. No one does a thing to stop it. There have been distractions too numerous to count. Sure people march on the streets with megaphones, make up, and masks. They write letters to the editor. They make documentaries both exciting and dull, truthful and deceptive. They join knitting clubs, church groups, bake sales, and charity banquets. They write blogs, rant, rave, rage, scream, shout, and shake with idealistic fervor. They fail.
Elected offices are jobs far too cush to abandon by trying to pass legislation outside the interests of money. It would be best if political representatives were far less comfortable. If representatives were royally screwed after a successful election, more altruistic individuals might run for office. For this reason I propose either legislation or coup d’etat to enact the following changes to the fate of politicians after one term.
Let us forcefully legislate that, upon completion of their term, all successful presidential candidates submit themselves to immediate execution. Furthermore let it be written that those members of the legislative branch, the congress people and the senators, forfeit all accumulated currency, stocks, land holdings, possessions, and inheritance both foreign and domestic and that they shall thenceforth be prohibited from any wealth, both owned or transient, to the end of their days. Finally, in the judicial branch, supreme court appointees, being lifetime members, before serving, must, if confirmed, undergo injustice readiness training wherein they are first permanently blinded with searing hot pokers, released onto the streets of phoenix to beg for scraps for a month, and finally committed to prison for a period of five years unless they can pay the trillion dollar fine. These precautions will ultimately enhance our government, generate millions of jobs and revenue, strangle poverty, crush enormous growing income disparities, and soothe the blazing fires of ire directed towards our great nation from far off desert countries.
If death is the termination point of every presidents term, it will attract entirely different sorts of candidates free from the constraints and trappings of the desire to hold onto wealth and power. The wealthy will no longer run, they have too much to lose. Instead of lawyers, business persons, and aristocrats, presidential campaigns will be circuses of the desperate, the destitute, the terminally ill, the mentally handicapped, and the insane. In a word, the hopeless. Every four years America will celebrate its continuing dominance as the entertainment capital of the world with the most extravagant reality show ever conceived. In place of borderline intellects like Sarah Palin, or vicarious lukewarm emotional journeys like Barack Obama, we can witness the capricious antics of schizophrenic Fred who rejects his lithium prescription and is running on an agenda of stringent consequences for people who break into houses and turn canned food labels upside down, or the heart wrenching struggle of terminal breast cancer Betty who promises “I love boobies” bracelets for all citizens. We can be appalled when guilt plagued paroled murder convict Jimbo insults homeless Harry’s overpowering BO accumulated from years without a change of clothes and perpetual malnutrition resulting in ketone acidosis. Every election will be a parade of lives ruined by the countries most pressing injustices and medical concerns. With so much at stake, nothing can stand in the way of progress. No single campaign will lack passion, and desperation will ensure that each candidate will fight tirelessly for their agenda once elected. Also the inaugurations will be works of beauty as each president will bear the responsibility of executing their predecessor. Every single one will be a worldwide television event with a ring that echoes forever throughout history. Let freedom ring! Let freedom ring! Hallelujah, let freedom ring! Citizens will not forget a single president as the beginning and end of each tenure will be marked with a visceral and gruesome ritualistic ceremony symbolizing the liberty of each new era with a new artistic expression of the violence that forged this country. The crucible of bloodshed is as American as apple pie and no new leadership would be complete without its crimson paint. We can cry with patriotic pride as morbidly obese president Michael is suspended and bludgeoned with a bat by a blindfolded president elect like a birthday pinata in honor of the warped food industry, or stand in respectful, solemn, silence as a forty year old honey boo boo is dropped down a well to die slowly as a warning against the voyeuristic exploitation of children.
Ladies, gentleman, and transgender individuals, welcome to a brave new country. Presidential executions, coupled with the eternal impoverishment of the house and the senseless maiming and torture of supreme court justices will revolutionize the world. God bless America.