The Public Blogger

Recently I got a follow from Kendall F. Person, The Public Blogger. It was a bit confounding. I don’t have many followers yet. This blog is only a couple days old, and I am a bit of a shut in even in the virtual world, but I always visit the page of a follower each time I get a new one. When I got to the Public Blogger’s page it was disorienting. It gave me the impression that he might just go around following people randomly, and it had this aura of corporate glitz melted together with hokey sincerity forming some sort of social super alloy. I felt like I was just welcomed to a corporate headquarter neighborhood with a fruit, bread, and pasta basket. His tagline is as follows:

“Where writing is a performance art and every post is a show.”

I guess it’s his way of saying “All the internet’s a stage”

In the interests of art I am posting the following performance below for the public blogger. This one’s for you Kendall F Person, glad to see you following.

Confusing relationship artsy Photo

Confusing relationship artsy Photo

Underwear captain has kitten freestyle broccoli seven Pakistan hastily jelly bears people unmade


Daily Pep Talk: #001

Related artistic photograph

Related artistic photograph

After nearly ten minutes of staring in a blank, dissatisfied fugue, you realize that even the sweet cereals with a prize at the bottom don’t get you anxious in the morning anymore. No sugary slush will put Susie’s lips on yours or Tammy’s hand in yours. Susie’s lips are busy with Billy who pushed you into the mud and told everyone that the brown on your pants was just your chronic diarrhea, and Tammy’s hand is in Todd’s who, along with Tammy, calls you frog face. Your parents make you put on tight scratchy clothing for a fancy dinner with all their friends and then get irritated because you won’t smile and be happy while all the old people are being so courteous and nice to you.

There’s no one and no thing that can help you, but there is one word that sums up your entire projected future: Bleak. You just turned thirteen. Welcome to hell.

The solution to trash: Idea # 0004


Unrelated artsy photo click for full size

Let’s face it. People throw a lot of stuff away. Who can blame us. There’s so much stuff to get, and stuff accumulates. When stuff accumulates, stuff has to be thrown out. It’s a cycle and stuff.

           In the morning we rid ourselves of dental floss, q-tips, cotton balls, three tiny batteries and a dulled, disposable razor. We must be clean shaven while we point with our laser. In the kitchen we dump the remains of our coffee grounds and filter, and as our half remembered dreams dwindle into subconscious whispers, we end our relationships with the cardboard box and hot pocket crispers. At lunch there’s the paper bag, a sandwich crust, the plastic knife, and the mushy note written by the wife. Throughout the day we discard data discs, danishes, and post-it-note doodles. We abandon once in a life time offers and half eaten strudels.  In the office, we fill wire baskets with crumpled wads from our game of horse and perhaps, later that night, a rubber husk from unexpected intercourse.

We throw away unrealized dreams and shirked responsibilities, a broken harmonica, a frayed baseball glove, postcards of a long forgotten pen pal, and angry letters about overdue parking fees. We throw away our memories. No more need for Malibu beach Barbie, and farewell to the arm of thunderpunch He-Man. Those toys are useless to a power ranger fan. Into the bin, go the glass shards from the valentine portrait widget along with the torn photo and number of that harpy named Brigitte. Away goes the kleenex with the blossom of blood from the finger as well as the old band-aid when the pain doesn’t linger. Oh why are relationships always painful and destined to fail?! Oh hey look, something came in the mail! Why, it’s the new iphone five! Toss the old one. We’ll no longer need it for as long as we’re alive.

It all piles up, the discarded whiskey bottle from the drunken haze during college days, as well the human sandwich sorority pledge mayonnaise. It stinks like the moldy macaroni, doggy doo, toddler vomit, and diapers. It reeks like the motor oil, rubber cement, perfume, and fluid for windshield wipers. There’s no shame too big or too vile, kinky toys, perfectly good corduroys, uneaten banquets, defiled shower mitts, asphyxiated squirrels, new viagra for girls, porn of Harry Potter, the bath water and even sometimes the baby. Never fear everyone, there’s a solution except for the baby thing. That’s an entirely different problem not covered by my solution for trash as babies don’t fall into that category.

The answer is simple. We can just build a new continent. If we gather all human waste and concentrate it in an agreed upon spot in the ocean, we’ll eventually have a brand new continent ripe for colonization. We just need a really big net to hold it all together and then a few hundred million tons of soil and rock to cover it with. There are already some trash islands in the ocean, so we’re off to a really good start. What a great place for your new corporate headquarters. They’ll be plenty of solitude and wide open space for many generations. Also, for an enterprising new business person, there are plenty of resources buried beneath the soil if you know how to separate them out. It’s sure to be a hit vacation spot for affluent cultural history aficionados as every inch will be a time capsule. Let’s start writing up the constitution and national anthem right away!

The Solution to Racism: Idea # 0003

Unrelated artistic photograph

Unrelated artistic photograph click for full size

We might have made some minor progress, but make no mistake; racism is still a major issue in America and the rest of the world. It’s time to abandon the erroneous impression that because we elected a black president, we can move on. Despite this action, blacks still face discrimination, and also it is worth noting that racism is not an injustice experienced solely by people of African descent except in the sense that all humans are of African descent as evidenced by the fossil record.

Genetically speaking, race is extremely trivial. Two people of the same race are not statistically predisposed to having either more or less genes in common than two people of different races. Melanin expression holds little bearing on any biological trait other than resistance to sunburn and skin cancer. Unfortunately it still molds both conscious and unconscious personal and societal interactions. Well no more! There is a solution.

The growing field of biometrics will soon fill our cities with iris or retinal scanners. These devices will identify everyone immediately and with ease thus making it impossible to hide your identity while committing a crime near cameras and rendering disguises useless. When this happens, disguises will no longer engender suspicion. It will then be possible for everyone to wear masks and national uniforms that completely cover the skin. If the entire population always wore masks and these uniforms, racism would clearly, after a few generations, go extinct.

With uniforms and masks no one will be able to identify a person’s race in public. Instead perceptions of every individual will be reliant on the content of their character. Think of the marvelous benefits of uniforms. By implementing this plan, skin cancer rates will plummet, but remember to take your vitamin D supplements to prevent rickets. No longer will anyone worry about what they should wear to school, work, or a date; the decision will have been made. Affluence or lack thereof will no longer be advertised by clothing but only by the trinkets one carries and even those indicators, as the incorporation of technology into clothing continues, will diminish over time. Finally distractions of appearance will be muted by overwhelming uniformity. What should the uniform be like? I personally recommend jedi or monk robes made of velvet, velour, rayon, or satin with installed air conditioning units like the jacket pictured below. This apparel will be comfortable, nonrestrictive, and useful for magic tricks.

Jackets come with fans now.

Jackets come with fans now. This image is from google. It was not taken by me.

Masks are also a fashion boon. If your face is completely covered you need never worry about or feel embarrassed by acne while out in public. Girls, if you spend hours on make up, you just gained quite a bit of free time. Spend it wisely. Masks can be chosen for themes of  your day. Maybe for you, Monday will be silly mask day while Friday’s mask may be a frightening affair to symbolize the terror you might be planning for your weekend. Also with the rising popularity of the civil disobedience group anonymous, Guy Fawkes masks are already in abundance. In masks, the eye holes can be augmented with corrective lenses or google glass style technology thus making them highly functional components of an individuals wardrobe.

This solution will not erase all the economic inequities that are linked to race. That’s a world saving idea for another day. It will likely have to be implemented in addition to uniforms and masks. Still make sure your measurements are up to date, and start imagining all the different kinds of masks you might like to wear in the new age of fashion as racism is slowly extinguished by paper mache and a few scraps of cloth.

The solution to the morbid obesity epidemic and world hunger: Idea # 0002


Unrelated artistic photograph

        A developing technology of cultured meat, that is to say muscle cells grown in a petri dish, has the potential to drastically increase the efficiency of providing tasty protein to the masses. Petri dish meat grown in towers with the aid of nutrient rich growth media (that’s science speak for nourishing liquid) would take far less space thus freeing us from the need of large livestock pastures or unsanitary mega farms that threaten public health and cause animal rights activists to have a cow. There are of course a couple hurdles yet to overcome. First the process is not yet energy efficient and thus not yet cost or resource effective in comparison to traditional farmed livestock, but that will likely change in time. Second, the taste is not yet a good approximation of typical culinary meat because it lacks the fat found in natural meat. This fact points to a very obvious flawless solution to the world’s hunger and obesity concerns.

            If fat were harvested from the obese or overweight, it could be combined and processed with petri dish meat to provide a tastier, more realistic, protein treat. With conservative estimates it is obvious that there is a fair amount of fat readily available. There are approximately three hundred million Americans in the United States. If fat is harvested between the ages of fifteen to sixty five years and two thirds of that age group is either overweight or obese, then there are approximately one hundred and thirty two million people with harvestable excess fat. Assuming that each individual is on average twenty pounds overweight and that sixty percent of that extra weight is fat, it is apparent that there will be twelve pounds of extra fat per person for a total of one billion, five hundred and eighty four million pounds of excess fat available in America alone. There are four hundred and fifty four grams per pound and approximately fifty four grams of fat in one beef steak (I am ignoring details like saturated vs unsaturated fat). That means, as a rough estimate, one pound fat can be used to marble five pounds of beef. With American fat alone nearly eight billion pounds of petri dish beef could be flavor and calorie enhanced. I concede that eight billion pounds of meat is only a tiny fraction of the world’s yearly consumption but with the plummeting cost of liposuction, more Americans will eat guilt free thus indefinitely increasing the available supply of fat as well as meat demand. In this way a growing meat nutrition debt can be accumulated thus spurring unrestricted growth. It’s a solution modeled after our flawless economic policies and therefore impervious to failure or criticism. Bon apetit.

Saving elections: Idea # 0001

Unrelated artistic photograph

Unrelated artistic photograph click for full size

The president of the United States of America, leader of the free world, commander in chief, the big kahuna is, many believe, a slave to money, a bonded soul, a prisoner of big business who only acts in the interest of filling the pockets of his or her biggest campaign contributors. Before each leaves office, they pass legislation that benefits the companies they have worked for or invested in as well as the investitures of their friends. They hide their dealings in ridiculously long documents of technical legalese each of which takes a  large team of lawyers to decipher. Man or women, republican, democrat, independent, dog or cat, it matters not who is elected, they have, along with 435 conspirators, tied lady justice down spread eagle only to gang rape her non-stop with throbbing financial erections for at least the past fifty years. She must have been far too tempting what with that blindfold and all. Meow! Everyone knows it’s happening. No one does a thing to stop it. There have been distractions too numerous to count. Sure people march on the streets with megaphones, make up, and masks. They write letters to the editor. They make documentaries both exciting and dull, truthful and deceptive. They join knitting clubs, church groups, bake sales,  and charity banquets. They write blogs, rant, rave, rage, scream, shout, and shake with idealistic fervor. They fail.

Elected offices are jobs far too cush to abandon by trying to pass legislation outside the interests of money. It would be best if political representatives were far less comfortable. If representatives were royally screwed after a successful election, more altruistic individuals might run for office. For this reason I propose either legislation or coup d’etat to enact the following changes to the fate of politicians after one term.

Let us forcefully legislate that, upon completion of their term, all successful presidential candidates submit themselves to immediate execution. Furthermore let it be written that those members of the legislative branch, the congress people and the senators, forfeit all accumulated currency, stocks, land holdings, possessions, and inheritance both foreign and domestic and that they shall thenceforth be prohibited from any wealth, both owned or transient, to the end of their days. Finally, in the judicial branch, supreme court appointees, being lifetime members, before serving, must, if confirmed, undergo injustice readiness training wherein they are first permanently blinded with searing hot pokers, released onto the streets of phoenix to beg for scraps for a month, and finally committed to prison for a period of five years unless they can pay the trillion dollar fine. These precautions will ultimately enhance our government, generate millions of jobs and revenue, strangle poverty, crush enormous growing income disparities, and soothe the blazing fires of ire directed towards our great nation from far off desert countries.

If death is the termination point of every presidents term, it will attract entirely different sorts of candidates free from the constraints and trappings of the desire to hold onto wealth and power. The wealthy will no longer run, they have too much to lose. Instead of lawyers, business persons, and aristocrats, presidential campaigns will be circuses of the desperate, the destitute, the terminally ill, the mentally handicapped, and the insane. In a word, the hopeless. Every four years America will celebrate its continuing dominance as the entertainment capital of the world with the most extravagant reality show ever conceived. In place of borderline intellects like Sarah Palin, or vicarious lukewarm emotional journeys like Barack Obama, we can witness the capricious antics of  schizophrenic Fred who rejects his lithium prescription and is running on an agenda of stringent consequences for people who break into houses and turn canned food labels upside down, or the heart wrenching struggle of terminal breast cancer Betty who promises “I love boobies” bracelets for all citizens. We can be appalled when guilt plagued paroled murder convict Jimbo insults homeless Harry’s overpowering BO accumulated from years without a change of clothes and perpetual malnutrition resulting in ketone acidosis. Every election will be a parade of lives ruined by the countries most pressing injustices and medical concerns. With so much at stake, nothing can stand in the way of progress. No single campaign will lack passion, and desperation will ensure that each candidate will fight tirelessly for their agenda once elected. Also the inaugurations will be works of beauty as each president will bear the responsibility of executing their predecessor. Every single one will be a worldwide television event with a ring that echoes forever throughout history. Let freedom ring! Let freedom ring! Hallelujah, let freedom ring! Citizens will not forget a single president as the beginning and end of each tenure will be marked with a visceral and gruesome ritualistic ceremony symbolizing the liberty of each new era with a new artistic expression of the violence that forged this country. The crucible of bloodshed is as American as apple pie and no new leadership would  be complete without its crimson paint. We can cry with patriotic pride as morbidly obese president Michael is suspended and bludgeoned with a bat by a blindfolded president elect like a birthday pinata in honor of the warped food industry, or stand in respectful, solemn, silence as a forty year old honey boo boo is dropped down a well to die slowly as a warning against the voyeuristic exploitation of children.

Ladies, gentleman, and transgender individuals, welcome to a brave new country. Presidential executions, coupled with the eternal impoverishment of the house and the senseless maiming and torture of supreme court justices will revolutionize the world. God bless America.